Silver lining

 

Hi again,

I know you didn't ask, but I wanted to share a few tips I've learned over time. They might come in handy, depending on where you're going.

You might want to consider some changes in behavior. Probably no longer a good idea to slap unflattering nicknames on guys you don't like. They don't like you either, and have their own ways of settling scores. If you see anyone with a padlock in a sock, you might want want to look for somewhere to hide. Good luck finding one.

On the other hand, if your new friends want to give you a new nickname – Fatso, maybe, or Cry Baby – you'll probably have to live with it. Different rules apply now, a different code of dishonor. Trying to paint yourself as the victim of corrupted justice won't get you very far among men who actually are victims of corrupted justice. 

Don't whine. Trust me. They're like dogs, they can smell fear.

As best you can, you should try to keep your mouth shut. Dumb as some of your toothless new colleagues may be, all of them have built-in BS detectors, hard-wired since their youth. Bragging or making up stuff may work on toadies in red ties, and ecstatic mobs, but not so much on guys wearing the same color T-shirt you are.

You may have to get used to going without for a while. Not many golf courses in the system. You won't have a phone. If you want to text, you might have to scratch the message on a wall.

If you want to establish cred, do it on the yard. Probably can't get any hair dye or spray tan in there, but ripping off your shirt and doing 50 burpees will get everyone's attention. It'll help if you've really got that Terminator physique your followers display on banners in the backs of their pickup trucks. If, however, your body is more the way Stormy Daniels described, you're on your own, pal. 

Having your scrotum checked by guards for contraband probably wasn't what Dylan was talking about when he said, “Even the president of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked.” 

Humbling experiences are valuable for sane people. Likely too late for you.

Remember this: The one thing the homies hate more than anything else is anyone thinking he's better than they are. You're not. Everyone gets to this place the same way. Remember that, and you've got a good chance at making it through.

Well, a so-so chance, anyway.

Then again, you may not be going there at all. Maybe you'll get probation. That'll be a piece of cake for someone like you. You won't have to worry about how calls from your PO might disrupt your work schedule. You won't have to rely on public transportation to get to meetings with him. Oh, sure, you will have to ask permission whenever you want to leave the state – to campaign, say, or play golf – but it's just a matter of filling out a simple form. 

Easy-peasy – the bureaucracy never screws up stuff like that.

You may also have to show up give give a urine sample, whenever your PO decides. But hey, substance abuse has never been a problem for you. Germophobia, now that's something else. And humility's never been your strong suit. You will, after all, have to pee into a cup in a bathroom with mirrors on the wall and an officer intently watching to be sure you're not trying to pull a fast one.

No problem, right? You've always been able to game the system – lose, call it winning, and get people to send money to watch your magic show. 

And besides, there's one more silver lining:

Orange has always been your color.